Mercurial

My decision is final in an hour – that much time I have to change or confirm a reservation, and after that it is going to be pretty much survival mode for the next five months, trying to get a definite place and a permanent job, all meanwhile stretching my abilities and my money.

What is this thing, anyway? I am pleasing somebody when leaving this place and when leaving that other one. I am willing to stay to make somebody else happy. I am willing to stay just to pursue that ultimately evasive thing, the ideal position.

I am also willing to leave because there might be something else that I may use and profit from more easily. The grass is always greener, and in this case I have thousands of reasons. Why burn all the bridges? Why stay and try hard to remain in a place that is not safe and not conducive to life?

Oh, I know. I just log in and determine what I have, what I can see in this place. I do a search based on the opportunities available, and from then on decide, based on numbers and probability, which city is more conducive to life.

This whole thing is wrong – I am trying to fit my life to the last resource that I receive, the last call that says that I can do something, the last moment in which I find succor. Where, o where, can I find life? Within, I know, but how deep, and to what expense should I go to do so?

Good things to find in WS: friends, support network, night outs with nothing to do, people just drinking and doing stupid things, some work, and what else, o yes, possibly a position with a good university, and not much else. Things that irk me, the racism, the privilege, the lack of opportunities, the limited options, the extremely localized situation, and that pervasive fundamentalist view of the world.

Good things about San Francisco: warm people, varied, some friends, more possibilities, more universities, higher quality everything, internet everywhere, still a possibility to do some relevant job within my area of expertise.